Whores.

He. Is. Mine. Bitch. Back. The. Fuck. Up. Now.
Fuck. You.
-Rebecca.

Fake Friends.

I really hate people.
Good night.
BJ.

The Road

The world hasn't ended yet. What a pleasant thought. :) So I'm at my dads house right now :/ but I have an hour until I have to go get my nails done so here is what I'm thinking of today.
I'm reading The Road my Cormic McCarthy I must say it's a fantastic book, but this line caught me off guard and it really spoke to me. The Man says this about his wife's suicide: "She was gone and the coldness of it was her final gift". Do you think The Woman is being kind or cruel here? Also, consider how much The Man tortures himself with memories of the previous world. What if the world could have disappeared with a similarly clean break? Would that have been easier on The Man? He couldn't leave his son so how could she? Was she being selfish? Did she want the man to hate her go make letting go easier? It's just a great line.
In my opinion she kills herself begging the man will hate her so that he can go on caring for there son, although I think it's selfish to take herself away from her little boy I do believe she does it to protect him. So that if he grew attached to her he wouldn't have to face the pain of losing his mother.
Someone did this to me, he didn't kill himself but he did want me to hate him so that I could move on. I think it just hurts more. D: anyway. I hVe to go. Think about it.
<3,BJ

What Would You Do?

I was discussing what I would do if the world really ended this Saturday today with my friend Daniel. I then came to the conclusion that I had no idea what I would do if it all ended. When he asked I said I'd tell my mom I loved her but the last action I have no idea. I'm sixteen, I haven't done anything to impact the world. Daniel said he'd tell his girlfriend he was in love with her. My mom said she'd act like nothing was different. My step dad said he'd spend it with his kids. My dad said he'd kiss the people he loved. My step dads mom said she'd try to get all her family in one place and spend it with them. My friend said she'd have sex with Brendon Urie. Another said she'd say all the things she never said to the people who mattered. So many friends said sex, marry celebrities, be with someone they loved, kiss the ones they love, do drugs, talk to ex's. Yet I sit here with not a clue. They all answered immediately. What do I want to do? Sure tell the ones I love that I love them, but after all that? Would I cry? Would I just sit wondering until it ended? It's intriguing. There's something to leave you wondering. I'd kiss the guy I am falling for. I'd tell all the people I love that I love them and probably just stay with my mom and sister and brother and try to act like it's not happening. What would you do?
Think about it.
Have a good night,
BJ. <3

It's Just Not My Week

Thus far this week has just not gone my way. Testing all week and I just hate the last few weeks of school. It's like putting water in front of a thirsty person and then snatching it away, so unfair. Today during C lunch the seniors decided to have a food fight resulting in pizza'd faces, mashed potatoe'd clothing and a lot of unhappy underclassmen. Finals are coming up soon. Which means packet after packet of reviews. I just want this year to be over. For real.
I have nothing else to say.
BJ out!

My Brain Can't Just Chill

You know at night when Im trying to sleep, when the world is trying to sleep my brain decides to have an explosion of thoughts and things to ponder. Such thoughts leave me wondering about how life will turn out. Will I die young? Will I save someone? What will become of my family? When will the world end? It's a huge list that goes on and on. But this night in perticular my mind wonders off to someone I wish I wouldn't. Are you sorry? Do you regret leaving? How are you? Do you still care? Or have I been replaced already? Do you sit at night and think of me? Or am I thinking alone? You don't even cross my mind too often but it happens sometimes. I wish I could erase what you did. My mom hates you. So much for trying to impress her. You know I can't erase the time I sat and spoke to you heart to heart in my own room. You hugged me, told me it was okay, life gets better. But look at us now. NOTHING-NESS. Just as always. Happiness comes at a price, and you werent worth what I gave up.
Next thought. Boy oh boy. You know that couple that breaks up and gets back together then breaks up again, will it ever work for them? Or are they fighting to fix something that doesnt want to be put back together. I just wonder because it just is such a rough and unfair road to travel on with someone you 'love'
Speaking of love... I feel that term is thrown around a lot. The meaning kind of lost. You know as a girl we say I love you to best friends but I mean to boys. Can you love a boy in your life ( I.e. Boyfriend) while being so young? My mom knows this couple from the UK that have been together since they were 15 and now are close to 46 how amazing is that? I understand that there's like a 2% chance a high school relationship will stay together forever but I'd like to think it'll last. Yet here I am. Looking at people my age, throwing around words like 'oh I love my boyfriend'. Girl you are 16 you don't even know who you are yet! Let alone who you love! The only boy you should love is your daddy. Oh how my generation is going down the drain. And to think these people I call my peers will be running this country one day, that thought scares me shitless and leaves me unable to sleep at night.
Good night.
BJ

Hot Sundays and State Games

I have a lot of homework to do tonight. Thought I'd update before I go do some. Today was pretty good. I woke up waited in the 8 person line for breakfast, but there was no food when I got up there so I had to wait for Momma Watson (Now Momma DAY) to make some more. I got dressed and ready for the day, although I had nothing to do! I went outside and sprayed Kendra, my little sister, with the hose and watered our dying plants in the front yard. I swear its far too hot in Texas to expect plants to live anyway then I decided to watch the state game from 12/18/10. (Best football game EVER) I guess it was a nice, lazy, chilled Sunday. Time to do a HUGE spanish vocab packet, study for a speaking test and then off to bed. Im tired.
<3
BJ

Rude Siblings, Missing Best Friend and Tobby On The Run

So I told you I'd update. Yeah. Today went as bad as expected. I ended up falling asleep at 11 am and waking up at 4pm. An entire day wasted. I didn't get to hang out with my best friend Selena or even Laurenn. Which disappoints me... Then my siblings (step) come over. Andrew speaks as much as a mute Asian boy -____- and Kendra just learned that our parents are married (they ran off to Vegas) after they have been for almost two months. I laughed. My sister Amy did her usual I'm better than you act and was rude none stop. For anyone that doesn't know. I have a cat named Tobby (pronounced 'Toby'). He is my world. He found me one school morning in late January and since then I can't seem to put him down, although I never used to be a cat person, now I am. My step dads mom moved in with my family recently, which brings the house hold to a grand total of 8 people in a 5 bed room house. Sometimes the house seems smaller then it is. Anyway when moving in she brought her two cocker spaniels. One named Shelby and the other Sheba. Shelby is sweet, Sheba hates me, unless I have food. I used to call them the minions but now I just refer to Sheba as 'the one I don't like that likes to attack me in my own house.' Debbie (step dads mom) let the minions out and let Tobby out at the same time, not knowing or intending on doing it. I didn't realize for about 30 minutes and I went out to talk to my mom and I see Tobby sitting on the pools water fountain scared shitless of the demon dogs and Zeus (family husky) barking at him. I ran over and held him as he shook. Ugh. So now here I am in my room ranting about my lame Saturday night because I'm cool. -___________- I know....
Anyway, I'm going to bed.
Night.
Love, BJ

Forgive

Just like any other normal teenager I have plenty of issues with my parents. I fight with my mom a lot but in the end I realize I'm wrong and I go apologize. My dad on the other hand is an exception. You see my dad left a year ago. I have seen him eight times since then, yes I counted, anyway I still feel like I never got a full explanation as to why or how he could leave, I fought to keep him and he left anyway. Now he is marrying his girlfriend, Stephanie, who I must say I was weary about at first but now have grown quite fond of. My dad asked me to be a brides maid and reluctantly I agreed. I wanted to please him. As I got to thinking I wanted him to meet my step dad, Jeff, and my mom to meet my soon to be step mom, Steph. So I called and explained my idea and without even considering it he said no. He didn't want to 'mix old life with his new life' his words, which he denies now. Anyway, the next part gets complicated. I was upset. I told my mom. She blew up. Screamed at my dad. Jeff called me, I cried on the phone. He blew up. Screamed at my dad. Long story short my dad wants to talk and I have come to realize that I am always the one to fix things. I always apologize first I always go out of my way to make plans and it's me giving everything in the relationship and him taking everything. So here am. He told me to call when I'm ready. But I don't want to call. I wanted him to fight for me! But no. He won't. Anyway. I have a lot to do today and forgiveness is not on the top of that list. I'll update you. :)
Love, BJ

Time For Change

Hello!

So I stole this idea from my best friend Laurenn! I needed a place to write, so here I am wondering aimlessly on the internet talking to myself or strangers. Hey! THAT'S OKAY! At least someones listening. :) This is my first blog ever. So please dont expect much, Im still learning it all. Anyway, my blog is going to be about life over all. From family drama to the daily hell of being in high school. Im a sophomore. -____- Anyway. Expect more updates on my life.

Love, BJ

P.S. So, not to piss off or embarrass people, names will be kept secret. If you figure out who you are or assume who you are then great. Its probably you.